I'm not a perfectionist, but...

It’s 2018 and a work colleague has an extra ticket to go see Deborah Frances-White, the brilliant UK comedian and host of The Guilty Feminist podcast. I’d not long left my ex-husband and was in my yes era. I was vaguely familiar with Deborah Frances-White, but I’d never listened to her podcast.

That evening, I learnt that she begins every episode of the podcast with a phrase that would go on to change my reality in 2025:

I’m a feminist but…

I spent the seven years in between these two dates often thinking about this phrase and how much I loved the sentiment of the both/ands. How life, and our experience of ourselves, blows wide open and gets way easier when we understand the paradox of being human - when we can embrace the both/ands.

Jump to the spring of 2025, and the phrase I’m not a perfectionist but… pops into my head.

I sort of laughed as I said it to myself, because I knew where this thought was going.

So back to 2025, and I was at a roadblock with myself. The past three years of growing my coaching and consulting practice had required a whole other way of being and vulnerability — and while I am good at giving myself grace whilst moving forward in the pursuit of my goals, I felt like I was making things harder and struggling unnecessarily.

Not just with my business, but with everything.

I got curious about what was going on, and as I was navigating this conversation with myself, the phrase I’m not a perfectionist, but… came to me.

And so, I started free writing.

I’m not a perfectionist, but… I have a part that holds me to impossible standards.

I’m not a perfectionist, but… I have a part of me that is constantly critiquing my efforts as not good enough.

I’m not a perfectionist, but… there is still a voice telling me I could eat better, move more, have a tidier house, take the bins out more often, get more sunlight in the mornings, wear make-up, care about appearance more, talk more about my work, talk less about my work, be more like “everyone else”, be more compliant.

(Patriarchy, anyone?)

I’m not a perfectionist, but… I have a part that is endlessly frustrated and disappointed in me for not trying “better” at being perfect… for not being perfect.

I remember looking at that list and thinking, shit, I might not be a perfectionist, but I have a wannabe perfectionist in me, constantly judging me.

And that part was taking up way more space than I realised.

It was dragging me down. It was keeping me in the struggle. And it was stopping me from enjoying and having everything I had worked so hard for.

I spent most of the summer noticing and getting really familiar with where this part of me was taking up space, and interrupting my day with its little critiques.

From the moment I woke up, to the moment I put my head back down.

She wasn’t the loudest in the room, but she was consistently there, quietly doing her thing in the background.

It was quite shocking.

And kind of disappointing because, again, hadn’t I done this work?!

But that is being human. And that is the journey - noticing, interrupting, rewriting.

By the autumn, I could see and feel this part so clearly that I was ready to just let it go — to drop the unnecessary struggle it was creating, and say NO. No thank you to this part of me.

And, over time, it changed everything.

That phrase planted at that comedy show all those years ago, and the free writing that followed, has changed my world.

I’ve started this year with the most loving, gracious and grounded relationship with my body and food I have ever known. There is no background noise - just me.

And I feel the same about my coaching practice, my abilities and the year ahead. The best.

I’m so excited to see where the year goes.

All of which I don’t think I would be experiencing without this shift.

I’m not a perfectionist. I never have been.

Sometimes I’ve observed perfectionists with envy, sometimes with sadness and incredulity.

But reckoning with my non-perfectionist perfectionist — and how she was playing out in my life — was long overdue.

So, love, I invite you to free write your own I’m not a perfectionist, but… list.

What impossible or silly standards are you holding yourself to that, deep down, you know you’ve outgrown?

And if you do identify as a perfectionist, where could you give yourself some grace today? What beliefs have you outgrown that you’re ready to let go?

Let me know how you get on. Lizzy x P.S. If you're someone who can be pretty hard on yourself, I've put together something for you. 3 Things I Wish All Women Knew is a free guide sharing three things I wish more women understood about themselves. You can get your copy here.